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Hand Up vs Hand Out

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

My wife and I divorced four years ago.   We should have divorced years before, but I made the decision to stay because of our two kids and because we had a very successful business, assets, etc.

We made sure my kids never needed for anything.  They had all the financial comforts.  In retrospect, we should have required more of the kids to help them become productive, responsible adults.

I remarried.  Her name is Isabella, and I am blessed to wake up to her every day.    

We moved about two hours away from my kids, and I see them every chance I can get them to make time for me. 

My son Billy is the irresponsible one of my three kids.  He barely finished high school and chooses to follow his own drummer, making bad choices along the way.

He lives with his girlfriend, doesn’t want to get married, can’t hold a job and proceeded to have a baby.  

He called last week and “informed” Isabella and me that they need help.   We offered help babysitting and Isabella kindly offered Billy a job at her family’s company. 

Not surprising, they don’t want t move closer to us.  Instead, they want us to pick up and move back towards them.

I love each of children and want to help in any way I can, but I don’t want alter my life to suit Billy’s needs at this point.  I love my wife, and I love our peaceful life.

Do you think I’m being selfish?

Matthew, Saskatchewan

Dear Matthew:

No you’re not being selfish.  Plus you need to start being smart.  

Though your generous offer was made with a hopeful heart, Billy’s irresponsible nature came thru yet again. 

Continuing to enable Billy won’t help him become a man and take full responsibility for his life and family.

The change has to come from Billy’s desire to straighten his life out along with some hard love.  Another hand-out won’t change a thing.

Don’t push the job idea either.  It may cost you more than a passing embarrassment. 

Offer the “hand-up” when you see change you can “really” believe in, not just “hope” for.

Be mindful and take care of the blessings you have at home. 

Mrs. Figgins

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Respect yourself.

Dear Mrs.Figgins:

I have a big problem.  Me.

I met a girl online who is beautiful and smart.  She sent me photos of herself, but I’ve not sent her any of me.

While OK on paper, I’m not so desirable in person.

I am overweight, shy and not much of a conversationalist.  Although I graduated from a great college, I’m not very interesting.  Definitely, not the kind of guy girls go for.

I’m afraid to meet this girl.

What can I do to get my nerve up?

Uncertain James

Dear James:  

Answers don’t always have to complicated and convoluted.  

The main problem you have isn’t your nerves.   It’s  your lack of self respect.   You don’t like yourself.

What’s the worst that can happen by meeting this girl?  Nothing.  And what’s so bad about that?  Nothing. 

You already have much more than most people.  You have a good education.

Do you really want to change how your personal life is going?  Begin the change right now.  Do it for YOU.

The single most off putting thing you can do is to put yourself down.  So, STOP.

My advice?  Follow these simple rules every day.

• Count your blessings.  

• Exercise. 

• Eat Right.

• Care about your appearance (top to bottom)

• Be a gentleman.

• Do something good for someone less fortunate.

• Treat yourself with respect.

• Conduct your life with the highest integrity.  It will enhance all your other values.

PS:  It’s OK be shy.  Girls find it charming. 

Mrs. Figgins

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Time to go.

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I just read the letter from Christin from Mittenwald, and wanted to share my story, too.

I am sitting on my couch heartbroken.  Can’t stop crying.    

By accident, I found out my fiancé has been using an escort service to hire prostitutes.   I’m not sure if I’m even using the right words, but maybe you can get the picture.

As an excuse ( he’s used more than once), my boyfriend said he did it only because I don’t want to have sex until after we got married. 

He always says “get over it, it’s just a release, it means nothing to men”.

I was trying to put all this behind us.  But then I found he’s been on porn sites.  

He’s on a business trip for the next three days.  I’m packing my bags.  When he gets back there will be nothing left behind.

I was starting to plan our wedding!  I’m scared.

Do you think I’m doing the right thing? 

Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken:

There was “nothing” to stay for – and you’re leaving “nothing” behind.

You were planning your wedding.  Most certainly you would have found yourself planning a divorce.

Have youself a good cry.  Then dust yourself off, stand real tall, take a deep new breath, leave, and never look back. 

Say a heartfelt prayer of Thanks.  Thank GOD EVERYDAY.

Just yonder, with your name on his dance card, there is a special man who will cherish and honor the values you stand for.

You’re worth it. 

I wish you the very best.

Mrs. Figgins

www.askdrromance.com         Free Relationship Advice On Everyday Topics

Stay true to your values.

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I am 23 years old.  I love dating and I hope to get married someday when the right guy comes along. 

I hope it’s sooner than later but I don’t want to be pressured into having sex until I get married.

How should I handle this without coming off as an old stick in the mud?

Janice, Houston

Dear Janice:

Good for you! 

Sexual intimacy should be valued. 

If a man can have anything at will – without a commitment and without earning it – where is the value?  

Women should make it clear right off the bat:   sex isn’t happening until “after” marriage.

A man that respects a woman – values her. 

Don’t tempt “temptation”.  

 Stay true to your values.

Mrs. Figgins

www.askdrromance.com         Free Relationship Advice On Everyday Topics

Supply side economics?

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I am trying to educate myself in what is happening financially with the United Sates.

My parents liked the President Ronald Reagan and know you have written about him.

Please explain what is supply economics?

Christin, Mittenwald

Dear Christin:

Great question!

I am not an economist, and there far better and more in depth writings on this particular subject.

However, the simple explanation I can offer is that “supply side” economics, also referred to as “trickle-down” economics is an economic theory  whereby reducing tax rates, especially for businesses and the wealthy, stimulates savings and investment for the benefit of everyone.

Consider me a believer.

Mrs. Figgins

www.askdrromance.com    Free Relationship Advice On Everyday Topics

Love

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

 What is a good way to show affection to your significant other?

My boyfriend has told me that he doesnt feel like i love him cause though i say it alot i dont do things that show it
but i cant think of a way to do so.

How to?

Dear How to:

Your boyfriend is letting you know that words aren’t enough.   He wants you to show your love thru how you treat him. 

Is he someone you want to make a life with?  If so, even if you are saving sexual intimacy until after the “I Do’s”, it is important that you get to know what makes him feel special.  Strive to make this a daily habit.

• LOVE:  Touch, Hold Hands, Sneak a smooch. 

• LAUGH!  

• BE GRATEFUL:  Let him know you’re grateful for the little things he does.

• BE INTERESTED:  Be interested in his day, his hobbies, his interests.

• DON’T BE JUDGEMENTAL:   He’s not perfect.  Neither are you.  Accept each other’s faults.

• Tell him how he makes your life better – and tell him how.

• Compliment him several times a day – and compliment him in front of others.

• Let him know that no one else compares – and that’s why you love him.

•  Be sweet in how you communicate – even when you’re boiling inside. 

• Never be dismissive.  Give him your full attention.

• Toast “him” – even if just with a glass of lemonade. 

• Don’t be afraid or too proud to say you’re sorry.

• Don’t complain.

• Say what you mean – mean what you say.  Don’t beat him up over and over again. 

• Ask him about his day, and how he feels about things.  Don’t interrupt.

• Let the past be “the past”.   Forgive.  Let things go.

• Find ways to rekindle your romance on a “regular” basis.

• Leave love notes.

• Touch base during the day – just to say you love him.

• Show how happy you are to see him.

• Suggest fun things.  They don’t need to cost money – they just need to bring laughter and love.

• Make time to leave stressful things “out of bounds”.

• Dance – even if he or you have 2 left feet. 

• Say I LOVE YOU several times a day.

• Be yourself.  Whoever you are will come out, so better sooner than later – or both of  you will be cheated.

If he had a choice of any place on earth to be:   Let it be with you.

Mrs. Figgins

www.askdrromance.com     Free Relationship Advice On Everyday Topics

Question: Where is it?

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

My sister’s husband died a couple of years ago in Iraq.  She’s been raising their three kids ( 2 boys, 1 girl) and doing an incredible job.

It’s been a huge struggle financially for her but her faith keeps her buoyed, and she is truly a wonderful human being.

A couple of “financial advisor” friends held a fundraiser for the 3 kids college fund.   The proceeds were to be put in trust.

Thanks to many wonderful folks the event was a success. 

That was the last any of us heard of what has happened to the money.

My sister doesn’t need any more worries,  but friends and family don’t want to let this go on indefinitely without addressing the matter.

What can we do?

Margaret

Dear Margaret:

All of you have the right to know what is happening with the money that was raised.

If this money has been used for anything other than it’s intended purpose, it may be considered fraud or embezzlement.

It’s imperative that you get an accurate accounting.

My advice is that you get a referral to a good lawyer.

Mrs.  Figgins

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Is it stealing?

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

My 4 years old son and was caught stealing for the 3rd time.  He says he was “borrowing”.  

We live in a small town and know most of the merchants.   In every case the owners have been very kind and have tried to make my husband and me feel better.   

We have been very grateful for their kindness. 

I admit it concerns us, not just for our family but for other parents. 

These things should not be taken lightly.  I know because my brother was a cute little boy who everybody gave a pass to throughout the years.   Today he’s in prison.

Please print this letter.  I hope this is a shout across the bows to parents.

Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned:

Here is your letter.    

Not surpising, with examples like your brother, your  mind may go to “today it may be a toy, but tomorrow it may be much more serious”.

However, children under the age of five do not generally have a handle on the concept of ownership, and there is  a fine line as to their ability to fully comprehend that an item belongs to someone else and should not be taken. 

Parents should be very aware of patterns as children get older.  A child may steal out of a “need” or the need for attention.

If this pattern continues, early help is important.

Don’t let your worries get the best of you at this point.   

Mrs. Figgins

www.askdrromance.com         Free Relationship Advice On Everyday Topics

Silence is golden.

Dear Mrs. Figgins

My son’s girlfriend invited us for dinner to meet her parents.

Upon meeting, the husband said “we’ve heard so much about you”.   When I pressed him about what he meant, he was rendered speechless.

 It has bothered me non-stop and I’ve let it be known that I’m not happy about it. 

Don’t you think that was horribly rude?

Potentially unhappy in-law

Dear Potentially:

I think in this case “speechless” was  “smart”.    

Oh, the neglected virtue of silence!

 Mrs. Figgins

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Keeping them healthy & safe.

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I was shocked to hear on the television today that children can also have strokes.

Is this true?

What are the signs?

Millie, in the Windy City

Dear Millie:

Unfortunately, it is true – children can have strokes.

We extend our Thanks to St. John Hospital in Illinois for the following valuable information regarding strokes in children.

Mrs. Figgins

Signs and Symptoms of Childhood Stroke:

• Severe headache- this is often the first complaint

• Nausea and/or vomiting/ warm, flushed, clammy skin

• Slow, full pulse – may have distended neck veins

• Speech difficulties- absent, slurred or inappropriate speech

• Eye movement problems – partial or complete blindness, blurred vision, unequal pupils

• Numbness – paralysis, weakness, or loss of coordination of limbs, usually on one side of the body; loss of balance

• Facial droop or salivary drool • Urinary incontinence

• Seizures

• Brief loss of consciousness; unconscious ‘snoring’ respirations

• May show signs of rapid recovery (TIA)

If your child shows any of these symptoms, Call 911 – get to the emergency room.  Every second counts! Time lost is brain lost!  

• The incidence of stroke in children is relatively low; about six cases in every 100,000 children per year and at least one-third of those cases are in newborns.

• Strokes are slightly more common in children under the age of two.

• Overweight children are at high risk for becoming overweight adults, as well as developing diabetes, having premature heart disease or stroke.

• Over 9 million children between the ages 6-19
  are overweight.

• Approximately 2,000 children under the age of 18 start smoking everyday.

• Only 30% of males and 26% of females in grades 9-12 attend physical education classes on a daily basis. Lack of physical activity can also contribute to becoming overweight and developing high blood pressure or diabetes.

• On average, it takes 12-24 hours for adults to get to the hospital after the first signs of stroke –  that time increases to 48-72 hours for children!

• Stroke is one of the top ten causes of death in children at an alarming rate of 12%. 

What can you do to help to help control your child’s risk factors for stroke?

You can’t control certain risk factors for heart disease and stroke such as age, sex, race and family medical history but there are other risk factors you can control, treat or prevent:

• Smoking and exposure to tobacco smoke.- Smoking is a hard habit to break, that’s why it’s important that your children never start. The earlier people start smoking, the greater the risk to their future health. Set a good example for your children by not smoking. If you do smoke, don’t smoke around your children. Get help to quit smoking. Your risk of heart disease and stroke decrease as soon as you stop smoking.

• Physical inactivity- Keeping your children active and fit will help them control their weight and blood cholesterol levels, and lower their risk for developing diabetes and obesity. If your child is overweight encourage daily activities, starting with 10 minutes per day and adding more each day. Limit the amount of time your child spends being inactive, such as watching television, playing on the computer, etc, to no more than one to two hours per day.

• Eating a diet low in saturated fat and cholesterol- Read food labels and choose foods that heart healthy. For example, choose lower fat milk, eat more fruits and vegetables, and include more servings of whole-grains or other complex carbohydrates in your child’s diet.

• High Blood Pressure (hypertension)- High blood pressure causes the heart to work harder than normal and over time this can lead to heart failure or stroke. Children with high blood pressure often have no symptoms. They can look and feel great without even knowing they have hypertension. Make sure that your child’s blood pressure is measured yearly beginning at age 3 by a doctor, school nurse or local health clinic staff.

• Diabetes Mellitus- Diabetes mellitus is a disease in which the body doesn’t make or respond properly to the hormone insulin, which the body needs to convert sugar, starches and other foods into energy. Untreated diabetes can lead to many serious medical problems including heart and blood vessel disease. If your child has diabetes make sure that  he/she has regular medical check ups to control it; work with your child’s doctor to improve your child’s eating habits and ensure that he/she exercises regularly and maintains a healthy weight. 

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