Ask Dr Romance – by Mrs Figgins
- Free Advice & opinion on everyday issues – marriage, children, friendship, love, etiquette, politics & faith – dispensed by Mrs Figgins with common sense & good old-fashioned-values!

Dreams of Grandeur

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I’m beyond stupified.  My husband Massimo and I have never believed in debt.  The kids are grown up and we’ve finally been able to save up for a new small car we can pay cash for.

Last week he told me that he has seen a doctor and wants a penis implant.  It’s going to be a few thousand dollars!   There goes our new car! 

I don’t want to sound stupid but why on earth would any man want to plant something in his penis when it’s not necessary!     

I hate to spoil his fantasy but what if it doesn’t work?  He’s just not thinking straight!  

After all, I think it’s been working just fine up to now.  

Isn’t my opinion important, too?  

Gerardina, Toms River 

 

Dear Gerardina:

I guess Massimo doesn’t’ want to settle for a compact when he can get a stretch hummer.    

Yes, your opinion is important and it sounds like this is important to him, too. 

You should both sit down and discuss all the pro’s and con’s, as there are potential  penile implant surgery risks, which include: infection, tissue erosion around the device, migration of the device, pain and malfunction.

Let your husband know that as far as you’re concerned all his parts are in perfect working order and in no need of repair.  

Mrs. Figgins

Advice, Love, Retirement

 

Aren’t they              worth fighting for?

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

Don’t know where to begin so here it goes:

My wife and I have been married 12 years.  We have two kids, ages 7 and  12. 

I work hard, don’t have the income of a doctor or a lawyer,  I’m balding, and .    

Now to the hard part:  I overheard a conversation between my wife and one of our long time friends.   It’s possible that she’s having an affair with him.  I don’t think they’ve gone “all the way” but there’s no doubt there’s intimacy between them. 

They can’t wait to be together, but she told him she can’t bear to hurt me or the kids and doesn’t know what to do. 

I love my wife and kids and don’t want to lose them.  On the other hand, I want to do the right thing by my wife and don’t want to let her know I overheard the conversation.   It would humiliate her too much.

She makes fun of friends that go to marriage counseling, so there’s no use in trying to go that route.

Do you think I should be kind and just let her go?

I feel like I’ve lost my way.

Michael, DC

 

Dear Michael:

What exactly do you mean by “doing the right thing”? 

You love your wife and kids.  Your wife may be having an emotional affair – and you don’t want to talk to her about it?   Along with losing your way, it appears you’ve also lost your marbles and your self esteem.

If crawling away with your head down is an indication of how you’ve handle things, it’s no surprise your relationship is in such a sorry state.

For the sake of your children, I suggest you seek counseling before you make any life changing decisions. 

Gather the courage to sit down and have a calm heart to heart with you wife – preferably when the kids are in school.

Let your wife know how much you love her, and don’t want to lose her.   Try something novel and fight to keep your family together.   If you don’t, no one else will.

Do it all with kindness and a sense of dignity. 

If at the end, you part ways, you will know you did your best for your children.

Mrs. Figgins

Advice, Children Issues, Love

Start Early!

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

Our twin boys are turning 5 this coming February.  We’re having their birthday party at Grandma and Grandpa’s house.  Their Grandma is big on good manners.

We’re hoping to raise gentlemen – not wild bulls.

Are there etiquette rules that we should teach the boys at this early age and any we can follow ourselves?

Marv and Julie Stein

 

Dear Marv and Julie:

You’re correct in teaching the boys proper etiquette at an early age. 

To your point of not wanting to raise wild bulls, just know that even calves begin learning proper behavior or “social learning” as a crucial part of their development.

The birthday party is for the kids, but it’s important to be sensitive to Grandma and Grandpa as well, since it’s their house.

• Don’t distribute invitations at kindergarten unless you plan on inviting all the kids in the class.  Instead you should mail the invitations or call the parents directly.  You certainly don’t want for any of their classmates to feel left out.

• A good rule is to invite one guest for each year of the boys’ age, plus one.   Since you have twins, this formula applies for each birthday boy.   So, double the fun!

• Explain to the boys that they must greet each of their guests with:  “Hello, Thank You for coming to our party”.  This will be simple enough for them to handle.

• Make sure to have plenty of activities, games and plenty of supervision.

• As the guests begin to leave the boys should again say “Thank You” to each of their guests.  

These steps are simple enough for the boys to follow.

Here’s to double the fun!

Mrs. Figgins

Advice, Children Issues, Etiquette, How To, Love

So that we may be free.

 As we share this Thanksgiving Day with our family and friends our hearts are full of gratitude for the sacrifices made by the brave men and women of the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, Air Force and Coast Guard.

Many will not be sharing this day with their loved ones, because they are far away serving our country.  They are risking their lives so that we can be safe at home.

May GOD bless and protect each and every one of these men and women who are fighting to make the world a better and safer place for our children and grandchildren.

May GOD bless and protect the United States of America.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Mrs. Figgins

Thank You to our readers for sharing the Thanksgiving Prayers below.

 

A Thanksgiving Day Prayer

Lord, so often times, as any other day
When we sit down to our meal and pray

We hurry along and make fast the blessing
Thanks, amen. Now please pass the dressing

We’re slaves to the olfactory overload
We must rush our prayer before the food gets cold

But Lord, I’d like to take a few minute more
To really give thanks to what I’m thankful for

For my family, my health, a nice soft bed
My friends, my freedom, a roof over my head

I’m thankful right now to be surrounded by those
Whose lives touch me more than they’ll ever possibly know

Thankful Lord, that You’ve blessed me beyond measure
Thankful that in my heart lives life’s greatest treasure

That You, dear Jesus, reside in that place
And I’m ever so grateful for Your unending grace

So please, heavenly Father, bless this food You’ve provided
And bless each and every person invited

Amen!

–Scott Wesemann

 

Thanksgiving

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food,
For love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.

–Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

 

 

Long may she waive.

 

Advice, Faith, How To, Love, Opinion & Politics, Topics

Those darn nicknames!

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

I’m up to my eyeballs in frustration.  My best friend refers to me (and everyone else) as “Babes”.

My husband has picked up on this term and now he’s using it.    He says he doesn’t understand why I’m making such a big deal.

How should I handle this?  

Jasmine in Ohio

 

Dear Jasmine:

If you can’t beat them join them.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, Babes.  Consider it a term of endearment. 

Mrs. Figgins

Advice, Love, Relationships

Educate.

 

Dear Mrs. Figgins:  

 I’m a 17 year old man.

Embarrassing to admit, I honestly thought I would be one of the few guys not to have sex before getting married.  I’m not.   I had sex and I think I’m in trouble.

When I pee it hurts so bad because of the swelling and there is some type of discharge.    

I think I may have gotten something from sex but I’m afraid to go anywhere to find out.  I know you’re not a guy but maybe you can help.   

My parents are religious and they believe that abstinence is the only way to go but that isn’t helping at this minute.

Am I in big trouble here?  Do you think I have AIDS?

Jason, Vancouver

 

Dear Jason:

Calm down.   You need to see a doctor right away.

I am certainly not a doctor but one of the possibilities is Chlamydia. 

If this is the case your doctor may prescribe oral antibiotics and, in an effort to prevent reinfection and further spread of the disease, may also recommend that your sex partner be treated as well. 

If you do not get treatment,  you run the risk of additional health problems.

YES, you should tell your parents what’s going on right away.  They will help you through this and ensure you get the proper treatment.

It’s time to grow up and know that life has consequences.  

Your parents are correct.

Mrs. Figgins

Advice, Love, Relationships

JUST STOP. NOW.

Dear Mrs. Figgins:

My girlfriend refuses to kiss me because she says I smoke.  

I personally think she’s losing her marbles. 

What can I do about this?

Jonathan

 

Dear Jonathan: 

She says you smoke.   If that’s not true, then maybe you’d have a case.

If it’s true, then you’re the one with the missing marbles.  

Girlfriend or not:  STOP SMOKING.

Mrs. Figgins

We would like to express our gratitude to the American Cancer Society for the following information. 

Mrs. Figgins

Advice, Love, Relationships

Smokers Lung

 

HELP Guide To Quitting Smoking

What do I need to know about quitting?

The U.S. Surgeon General has said, “Smoking cessation (stopping smoking) represents the single most important step that smokers can take to enhance the length and quality of their lives.”

Quitting smoking is not easy, but you can do it. To have the best chance of quitting and staying quit, you need to know what you’re up against, what your options are, and where to go for help. You’ll find this information here.

Why is it so hard to quit smoking?

Mark Twain said, “Quitting smoking is easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.” Maybe you’ve tried to quit, too. Why is quitting and staying quit hard for so many people? The answer is nicotine.

Nicotine

Nicotine is a drug found naturally in tobacco. It is as addictive as heroin or cocaine. Over time, a person becomes physically and emotionally addicted to (dependent on) nicotine. Studies have shown that smokers must deal with both the physical and psychological (mental) dependence to quit and stay quit.

How nicotine gets in, where it goes, and how long it stays

When you inhale smoke, nicotine is carried deep into your lungs. There it is quickly absorbed into the bloodstream and carried throughout your body. Nicotine affects many parts of the body, including your heart and blood vessels, your hormones, the way your body uses food (your metabolism), and your brain. Nicotine can be found in breast milk and even in mucus from the cervix of a female smoker. During pregnancy, nicotine freely crosses the placenta and has been found in amniotic fluid and the umbilical cord blood of newborn infants.

Different factors affect how long it takes the body to remove nicotine and its by-products. In most cases, regular smokers will still have nicotine or its by-products, such as cotinine, in their bodies for about 3 to 4 days after stopping.

How nicotine hooks smokers

Nicotine causes pleasant feelings that make the smoker want to smoke more. It also acts as a kind of depressant by interfering with the flow of information between nerve cells. Smokers tend to increase the number of cigarettes they smoke as the nervous system adapts to nicotine. This, in turn, increases the amount of nicotine in the smoker’s blood. In fact, nicotine inhaled in cigarette smoke reaches the brain faster than drugs that enter the body through a vein (intravenously or IV).

After a while, the smoker develops a tolerance to the drug. Tolerance means that it takes more nicotine to get the same effect that the smoker used to get from smaller amounts. This leads to an increase in smoking over time. The smoker reaches a certain nicotine level and then keeps smoking to maintain this level of nicotine.

Nicotine withdrawal symptoms can lead quitters back to smoking

When smokers try to cut back or quit, the lack of nicotine leads to withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal is both physical and mental. Physically, the body reacts to the absence of nicotine. Mentally, the smoker is faced with giving up a habit, which calls for a major change in behavior. Both the physical and mental factors must be addressed for the quitting process to work.

Those who have smoked regularly for a few weeks or longer, and suddenly stop using tobacco or greatly reduce the amount smoked, will have withdrawal symptoms. Symptoms usually start within a few hours of the last cigarette and peak about 2 to 3 days later when most of the nicotine and its by-products are out of the body. Withdrawal symptoms can last for a few days to up to several weeks. They will get better every day that you stay smoke-free.

Withdrawal symptoms can include any of the following:

• dizziness (which may only last 1 to 2 days after quitting)

• depression

• feelings of frustration, impatience, and anger

• anxiety

• irritability

• sleep disturbances, including having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, and having bad dreams or even nightmares

• trouble concentrating

• restlessness or boredom

• headaches

• tiredness

• increased appetite

• weight gain

• constipation and gas

• cough, dry mouth, sore throat, and nasal drip

• chest tightness

These symptoms can lead the smoker to start smoking cigarettes again to boost blood levels of nicotine back to a level where there are no symptoms. (For information on coping with withdrawal, see the section, “How to quit.”)

Smoking also makes your body get rid of some drugs faster than usual. When you quit smoking, it may change the way your body handles medicines. Ask your doctor if any medicines you take regularly need to be checked or changed after you quit.

Why should I quit?

Your health

Health concerns usually top the list of reasons people give for quitting smoking. This is a very real concern: Half of all smokers who keep smoking will end up dying from a smoking-related illness. In the U.S. alone, smoking is responsible for nearly 1 in 5 deaths, and about 8.6 million people suffer from smoking-related lung and heart diseases.

Cancer

Nearly everyone knows that smoking can cause lung cancer, but few people realize it is also a risk factor for many other kinds of cancer too, including cancer of the mouth, voice box (larynx), throat (pharynx), esophagus, bladder, kidney, pancreas, cervix, stomach, and some leukemias.

Lung diseases

Pneumonia is included in the list of diseases known to be caused by smoking. Smoking also increases your risk of getting lung diseases like emphysema and chronic bronchitis. These diseases are grouped together under the term COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease). COPD causes on-going (chronic) illness and disability, and worsens over time — sometimes becoming fatal. Emphysema and chronic bronchitis can be found in people as young as 40, but are usually found later in life, when the symptoms get much worse. Long-term smokers have the highest risk of developing severe COPD.

Heart attacks, strokes, and blood vessel diseases

Smokers are twice as likely to die from heart attacks as are non-smokers. And smoking is a major risk factor for peripheral vascular disease, a narrowing of the blood vessels that carry blood to the leg and arm muscles. Smoking also affects the walls of the vessels that carry blood to the brain (carotid arteries), which can cause strokes. Men who smoke are more likely to develop erectile dysfunction (impotence) because of blood vessel disease.

Blindness and other problems

Smoking causes an increased risk of macular degeneration, one of the most common causes of blindness in older people. It also causes premature wrinkling of the skin, bad breath, gum and tooth problems, bad-smelling clothes and hair, yellow fingernails.

Special risks to women and babies

Women have some unique risks linked to smoking. Women over 35 who smoke and use birth control pills have a higher risk of heart attack, stroke, and blood clots of the legs. Women who smoke are more likely to miscarry (lose the baby) or have a lower birth-weight baby. And low birth-weight babies are more likely to die, or have learning and physical problems.

Years of life lost due to smoking

Based on data collected in the late 1990s, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimated that adult male smokers lost an average of 13.2 years of life and female smokers lost 14.5 years of life because of smoking. And given the diseases that smoking can cause, it can steal your quality of life long before you die. Smoking-related illness can limit your activities by making it harder to breathe, get around, work, or play.

Why quit now?

No matter how old you are or how long you’ve smoked, quitting can help you live longer and be healthier. People who stop smoking before age 50 cut their risk of dying in the next 15 years in half compared with those who keep smoking. Ex-smokers enjoy a higher quality of life with fewer illnesses from cold and flu viruses, better self-reported health, and reduced rates of bronchitis and pneumonia.

For decades the Surgeon General has reported the health risks linked to smoking. In 1990, the Surgeon General concluded:

• Quitting smoking has major and immediate health benefits for men and women of all ages. These benefits apply to people who already have smoking-related disease and those who don’t.

• Ex-smokers live longer than people who keep smoking.

• Quitting smoking lowers the risk of lung cancer, other cancers, heart attack, stroke, and chronic lung disease.

• Women who stop smoking before pregnancy or during the first 3 to 4 months of pregnancy reduce their risk of having a low birth-weight baby to that of women who never smoked.

• The health benefits of quitting smoking are far greater than any risks from the small weight gain (usually less than 10 pounds) or any emotional or psychological problems that may follow quitting.

When smokers quit — What are the benefits over time?

20 minutes after quitting: Your heart rate and blood pressure drops.

(Mahmud A, Feely J. Effect of Smoking on Arterial Stiffness and Pulse Pressure Amplification. Hypertension. 2003;41:183.)

12 hours after quitting: The carbon monoxide level in your blood drops to normal.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1988, p. 202)

2 weeks to 3 months after quitting: Your circulation improves and your lung function increases.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1990, pp. 193, 194, 196, 285, 323)

1 to 9 months after quitting: Coughing and shortness of breath decrease; cilia (tiny hair-like structures that move mucus out of the lungs) regain normal function in the lungs, increasing the ability to handle mucus, clean the lungs, and reduce the risk of infection.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1990, pp. 285-287, 304)

1 year after quitting: The excess risk of coronary heart disease is half that of a smoker’s.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1990, p. vi)

5 years after quitting: Your stroke risk is reduced to that of a non-smoker 5 to 15 years after quitting.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1990, p. vi)

10 years after quitting: The lung cancer death rate is about half that of a person who continues smoking. The risk of cancer of the mouth, throat, esophagus, bladder, cervix, and pancreas decrease, too.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1990, pp. vi, 131, 148, 152, 155, 164, 166)

15 years after quitting: The risk of coronary heart disease is the same as a non-smoker’s.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1990, p. vi)

Immediate rewards of quitting

Kicking the tobacco habit offers some benefits that you’ll notice right away and some that will develop over time. These rewards can improve your day-to-day life a great deal:

• your breath smells better

• stained teeth get whiter

• bad smelling clothes and hair go away

• your yellow fingers and fingernails disappear

• food tastes better

• your sense of smell returns to normal

• everyday activities no longer leave you out of breath (such as climbing stairs or light housework)

Cost

The prospect of better health is a major reason for quitting, but there are other reasons, too. Smoking is expensive. It isn’t hard to figure out how much you spend on smoking: multiply how much money you spend on tobacco every day by 365 (days per year). The amount may surprise you. Now multiply that by the number of years you have been using tobacco and that amount will probably shock you.

Multiply the cost per year by 10 (for the next 10 years) and ask yourself what you would rather do with that much money.

And this doesn’t include other possible costs, such as higher costs for health and life insurance, and likely health care costs due to tobacco-related problems.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1990, pp. vi, 131, 148, 152, 155, 164, 166)

15 years after quitting: The risk of coronary heart disease is the same as a non-smoker’s.

(U.S. Surgeon General’s Report, 1990, p. vi)

 

HELP is available.  

American Cancer Society:     http://www.cancer.org

National organizations and Web sites:

If you want to quit smoking and need help, contact the American Cancer Society has a list of resources

http://www.cancer.org/docroot/PED/content/PED_10_13X_Guide_for_Quitting_Smoking.asp?sitearea=PED

 

 

Advice, How To, Love, Topics