February 8, 2010
Hand Up vs Hand Out
Dear Mrs. Figgins:
My wife and I divorced four years ago. We should have divorced years before, but I made the decision to stay because of our two kids and because we had a very successful business, assets, etc.
We made sure my kids never needed for anything. They had all the financial comforts. In retrospect, we should have required more of the kids to help them become productive, responsible adults.
I remarried. Her name is Isabella, and I am blessed to wake up to her every day.
We moved about two hours away from my kids, and I see them every chance I can get them to make time for me.
My son Billy is the irresponsible one of my three kids. He barely finished high school and chooses to follow his own drummer, making bad choices along the way.
He lives with his girlfriend, doesn’t want to get married, can’t hold a job and proceeded to have a baby.
He called last week and “informed” Isabella and me that they need help. We offered help babysitting and Isabella kindly offered Billy a job at her family’s company.
Not surprising, they don’t want t move closer to us. Instead, they want us to pick up and move back towards them.
I love each of children and want to help in any way I can, but I don’t want alter my life to suit Billy’s needs at this point. I love my wife, and I love our peaceful life.
Do you think I’m being selfish?
Matthew, Saskatchewan
Dear Matthew:
No you’re not being selfish. Plus you need to start being smart.
Though your generous offer was made with a hopeful heart, Billy’s irresponsible nature came thru yet again.
Continuing to enable Billy won’t help him become a man and take full responsibility for his life and family.
The change has to come from Billy’s desire to straighten his life out along with some hard love. Another hand-out won’t change a thing.
Don’t push the job idea either. It may cost you more than a passing embarrassment.
Offer the “hand-up” when you see change you can “really” believe in, not just “hope” for.
Be mindful and take care of the blessings you have at home.
Mrs. Figgins
Advice, Love
